Dear December - 6/12-19
I have a confession to make. An intervention, if you will.
My mental health has not been at it's best lately. Even though I've been through such radical ups and downs mentally in my life - this time I've actually felt that I'm losing my mind.
It's hard to explain, and I've tried to so many times, but I am nowadays constantly walking around with a panic in my head. Sometimes due to worries like the future, what I should study, when I can work again, or when or if I'm ever gonna be well enough to lead the life I want. Sometimes it's due to that. But sometimes it's so many thoughts that they sort of cancel eachother out, making a huge void in my head. A quiet chaos, leaving me with nothing but raw panic without apparent reason. Non stop. And the thing is, I've dealt with panic attacks for 13 years now and this is nothing like the panic attacks I am used to. I have no clue how to navigate my way out of this state of mind.
I've realized now that for a long time, maybe even for all these 13 years, I've had one big defense mechanism, to shield me from having to deal with what I'm going through. I either keep extremely busy - or I'll sleep. And I see myself, and have always seen myself, as a person who is really open (maybe often too open) about her feelings, how her mind works (or doesn't work), how she reacts and how she gets through the hard stuff. I have always had a huge need of communicating my experiences to map it all out for myself to understand. And so many people, friends, family, doctors, psyciatrists etc) have told me that I am very good at reflecting, mapping my objective and subjective reasonings out to get a concrete result. So I have just assumed that I am good at dealing with all the shit/trauma in my mind, heart and soul. I just assume that I am good at facing my triggers and know how to handle them. But no. I am, in fact, very good at avoiding them. Distracting myself, so I don't need to handle them at all. This might be a good thing in the short run, but in the long run it makes for an unhealthy, self-destructive behaviour.
So what do I do when I feel an uneasing emotion creeping up on me? In keeping busy, I distract my head by planning more and more new projects or things I want to learn. I very rarely complete the projects or master that skill, and many times I don't even get much of a start - I just need to distract my head in that moment. I have planned many parties that I never even planned on having. I have carefully planned out many cosplay outfits that I never cared to start or finish. I constantly write lists of things I already have thousands of lists of. I plan crafting and woodwork projects. I plan on learning how to make videos. I plan to learn how to paint, all of this while claiming that I need new ways to be creative - when I'm actually just avioding my guitar, scared that it might still be emotionally painful to play.
Sometimes (often) I don't have the attention span or energy to actually complete my tasks and staying busy. At those times, I've been used to having my trusty old Netflix to indulge in. But lately, I often haven't been able to watch netflix without feeling overwhelmed. Without feeling that panic. So when I can't stay busy, or distracted - queue the sleep. When any uncomfortable emotion starts creeping up on me and I don't want to confront it (provided I am at home and nobody is around) - I crawl under the blanket and sleep. And when I wake up I'll just pretend it never happened, sweeping the dust under the rug. Mean while the anxiety, anger, worry, dispair, guilt (or whatever I was feeling) is still stuck in my system, desperate to be dealt with.
So maybe my increased need of projects to dive into or things to plan, and my simultaneously increased need for sleep are, in fact, red flags. A reaction to what's been bubbling under the surface. More feelings? More distractions! Maybe it's not the life crisis I've been believeing it to be, but instead my own emotions screaming at me, demanding my attention.
So I guess it's quite understandable that I got a little bitter when realizing that after all this time thinking I've been dealing with emotions - I've actually, subconsciously, been avoiding my emotions. Fooled myself there, didn't I?
So what now? How do I face my triggers and learn to handle them? Do I dare to clean my schedule once again to make time for healing? Well, I don't remember anyone telling me that healing would be this uncomfortable.
Anyway, December. Please, be good to me this year. I'm doing my best, with what I have.
All the love,
Sara