Dear December 13/12-19
Wow. I don't even know how to begin this one.
I've had quite a stressful time recently, and I thought that my trusty christmas spirit would help to cheer me up. And since I've always been kind of a christmas freak, this calming, buzzing, hopeful feeling is very important to me. And ever since I can remember I've felt like it's pure magic in the air every time we experience the first snow of the winter, every time the shops starts to play christmas music, or every time I see the windows decorated with advent stars or advent lights. Ever since I can remember I've felt like it's a little bit more kindness in the air when christmas comes along.
And this year I haven't felt much of a christmas spirit at all. So what does this "keep busy-oholic" woman think then? Well, I thought that my christmas spirit was all in the decorations, and that I need to do lots of christmas stuff to bring out that joy in me. So I decked all the halls and listened to all the american spotify-lists - but I was still out of that christmas spirit. I then went on to plan a cosy christmas evening with friends, but I got too caught up with my own idea of having to be a good host and started buying all these new things, decorations and fika, stressing myself out completely. And I though to myself "I want to give my guests a proper christmas evening and please absolutely EVERYONE... so they will like me and keep hanging out with me".
So the price for wanting to please everyone is being a stressed, insecure wreck myself. And that ain't no christmas joy, if you ask me. And sacrificing your own wellbeing for other people's convenience is old news. I know deep down that I have that tendency, but I keep forgetting that I do.
I took a step back from my stressful, obsessive to-do-list and everywhere I looked I saw and heard people stressing out over christmas, just as me. So many people beside me pushing themselves to make christmas so unachievably great, so much that they just long for it all to be over. So many people beside me just trying to endure christmas under high expectations, instead of enjoying it with the small means it takes.
So I'm trying to change focus and realize that although they can help bringing out the christmas joy, decorations and all the other commercial christmas stuff are not the source of it.
I took a step back from my stressful, obsessive to-do-list and everywhere I looked I saw and heard people stressing out over christmas, just as me. So many people beside me pushing themselves to make christmas so unachievably great, so much that they just long for it all to be over. So many people beside me just trying to endure christmas under high expectations, instead of enjoying it with the small means it takes.
So I'm trying to change focus and realize that although they can help bringing out the christmas joy, decorations and all the other commercial christmas stuff are not the source of it.
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.. as I was writing this my dad was rushed to the ER, and instantly my focus shifted. I dropped the day of decorating and preparing for my christmas evening, and I dropped the Lucia-performance in the church. I spend the evening eating fast food with mom, waiting for any news from dad, and I'm so happy that I asked dad to join me to the gospel-concert yesterday - which he enjoyed so so so much. Family, friends, health - nothing is more important.
December, you have brought some chaos, but also many realizations. Thank you for every one of them.
/Sara